Bob Here.

For those of you previously bowled over by my revelation that there are differences between men and women dialysis patients, prepare to be further amazed.

I have an extension to that remarkable finding, and I'm ready to unveil it now, even though there are no TV cameras, prominent authors wanting to write a book, newspaper reporters, or any of the other hullabaloo you would normally associate with such a momentous announcement.

Ready?

Ok, here it is:

There are differences between male and female attendants and nurses as well.

I know, glad you were sitting down, right?

I know what you're all probably thinking right now.

You're thinking, oh thank heaven he didn't restrict his gender difference observations to just patients over all these years.  Think of the loss to science.

Bob Here

Happy New Year everybody.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, here are some random musings, some dialysis-related, some not, as we head into 2014.

Whenever New Years comes around I tend to think back on the past year in terms of things I'm happy about, sad about, ashamed of, and cringe-worthy.  Last year, I'm pretty sure I had more to be happy about.  That's good.

Not that there weren't some cringe-worthy moments in there as well, mind you.  I'm rarely at a shortage of those.

Right at this very moment, I'm sitting in my home office watching snow plows go up the road.  That's one big difference between Texas and New Hampshire.  That is, in New Hampshire, they actually HAVE snow plows.

Doing dialysis at home can be somewhat terrifying at times, but there's a real sense of triumph once you get off the machine.  As in, haha, I've beaten End-Stage Renal Disease for at least one more day.

Travelling for the holidays, I went in-center for my treatments.  Funny how experienced, veteran attendants and nurses are all amazed at watching someone insert their own needles.  They look at you like you're a cross between a space alien and Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.

Bob Here.

Next time you come across a dialysis patient, especially an older one, try to bring a little joy to their life by smiling brightly, patting them on the back and saying something super cheerful like, "Hey, let's make it a great day, shall we?"

Then get ready to duck.

And/or run for your life.

You see, I've done extensive personal research on this area, and I've come to a startling realization and breakthrough medical discovery. 

And it is as follows:

The combination of aging and dialysis can do a number on your disposition.  To the point of becoming almost dangerous to others.

Like most groundbreaking discoveries, this concept needs a scientific, highly technical name that will bring across the essence of the finding.

So, we'll call this one the "cranky pants" syndrome.

I know, absolutely breathtaking, huh?

Bob Here.

You've all heard the old saying, "You're only as old as you feel."

Well, in that case, my age must be approaching my area code.

Moving out of state, I had to bring my car in for a new inspection sticker.

Little did I realize that the experience would make me feel so old, I wondered if the guys in the shop thought I probably took my driver's test on a dinosaur.

I drive a red convertible sports car, and hey, you didn't hear the words 'mid-life crisis' from me.

The guys doing the inspection were in my age group, but there were a couple of younger guys working in the shop as well.

One of them came out of the garage over to where I was sitting and said, "Your ride's bad, man."

Of course, I panicked, and I said, "Why?? Is something wrong with the suspension??"

The young man just gave me a look like he was wondering how I escaped from the home.

Bob Here.

So this dialysis patient goes into a bar and orders a beer, right?

The bartender says, "That'll be eight dollars.  You know," he continues, "we don't get many dialysis patients in here."

The dialysis patient says, "And at eight dollars a beer, twelve ounces of fluid, 100 milligrams of potassium, and 50 milligrams of phosphorous, you won't get many more either."

Okay, so that's a dialysis twist on an old joke, and I admit, it kind of kills the humor.

(The original version was a kangaroo instead of a dialysis patient, and obviously didn't have anything about the nutritional contents of beer.)

But it puts me to mind of the dichotomy faced by dialysis patients with regard to drinking.

Bob Here.

You've probably all heard of being in the right place at the right time, correct?

Well, one of the many and varied ways I have found in mastering the art of getting in trouble is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

This unfortunate tendency might seem pretty straightforward, but it can actually take many forms, ranging from telling completely inappropriate jokes to good old-fashioned foot-in-the-mouth disease.

Or, as one former business associate put it, I tend to suffer from "verbal diarrhea."

Now, I'm sure you can well imagine that this condition has resulted in many socially and interpersonally awkward situations.  But it has also affected my life on dialysis.  I'll talk about that more in a little bit.

Bob Here.

The other day, I was trying to mentally dissect my dislike of doctors.

The reason I was confused (no wisecracks please), is that I really don't despise ALL doctors. 

Just the ones with a pulse.

No, I'm kidding.  I've had a great relationship with several of the nephrologists that I've seen on a regular basis at the dialysis centers over the years.  My real hatred seems centered on the docs that I see on an occasional basis, or at least less regularly than weekly.

I think it all began shortly after I had my transplant, many moons ago.

The technology wasn't as advanced back then, and when I had what looked like a rejection episode, I was told to get my butt back to the hospital where the surgery was performed.

Now, I didn't know any better at the time, but if the same thing were to happen now, I'd immediately sense danger.

Bob Here.

The other day, I was lost in thought about a subject that I'm pretty sure is fairly common among dialysis patients.

What would my life without dialysis be like?

Now, I know most of you are immediately picturing yourselves dancing around just enough to look foolish and realize that you're too old to be dancing like this.

Right?

Well, there's no way I'm going to sit here and try to convince you otherwise.  For most of us, no dialysis is the equivalent of Nirvana. 

Bob Here

For the last several years, I've been trying to think of a way to blame being on dialysis for a certain condition that has actually affected me for a long time.  It has well pre-dated my starting treatments.

The condition can be described in highly technical and scientific terms, but for the sake of simplicity, I'll just refer to it by its street name.

It's called being...well...antisocial.

Now, understand, I'm not a recluse who sits locked in a closet with fingernails that are three feet long or anything.

But, more and more as I get older, I find myself avoiding certain types of social situations.

Like anything that involves interacting with other people in person.

Bob Here

I was reading about the wondrous advances in technology exhibited recently at the Consumer Electronics Show.  Self-driving cars, 3D printers, smart phones that do everything short of walking the dog.

Pretty amazing stuff.

It gave me something of a sense of elation that we live in a day and age when such innovation and cutting-edge thinking is possible.

Then, I tried to program my VCR and got so frustrated with the process, I wanted to rip the whole assemblage out of the wall and toss it out the window.  I went to run some errands and couldn't get my garage door opener to work. I got in my car, and couldn't figure out how to adjust the clock for the time change.  The ATM at my bank was on the fritz.  It said to push a button for help, but when I pushed it, nothing happened.

I thought, well, so much for our technologically advanced society.